How else to explain how a wet-behind-the-ears kid could come out of nowhere (okay, Stratford, Ont.) and take the planet by storm (okay, teenybopper planet) all the while possessing (dare we say it) a rather mediocre voice and (don’t be mad, all you fans) a languid stage presence that seems to involve a lot of sappy lyrics, bang tossing and an endless parade of hoodies, ball caps and sneakers?
How else could a 16-year-old teen idol, would-be rapper, nail polish designer, Ludacris crony, television actor, top Tweeter, viral video king and undisputed pop chart phenom think he could possibly have lived long enough, or interestingly enough, to write an autobiography?
Especially when he’s been famous for, oh, about five minutes.
But there it is, beaming this week from the shelf in a bookstore near you: Justin Bieber First Step 2 Forever: My Story.
And just in case you don’t believe it, it says, right there on the cover, that it’s “100% Official.” That’s because there have already been a few unauthorized biographies written about the Bieb and, well, we can’t have that.
And so you vow to take it all seriously, because what could be more natural than a pouty-lipped, dewy-eyed teenage boy with a fab haircut writing his life story before his chin hairs start sprouting?
And then you realize that First Step 2 Forever is less an autobiography than it is a primer on what it’s like to win the pop music lottery, when your mother posts a YouTube video of you singing in a local competition and before you know it, you are flying to Atlanta and R&B superstar Usher is your mentor and Island Def Jam Records is looking to sign you, and girls are screaming everywhere you go and your single Baby is the most-watched online music video, ever, and in three short years you sell more than six million records and become, if not world famous, at least a household name on your own continent.
All of which might be rather interesting, if it wasn’t being written by, you know, a 16-year-old boy.
Bieber is a chatty storyteller, all teen colloquialisms as he relives, with oddly precise dialogue, his years spent growing up in Ontario, how he taught himself to play piano, guitar, drums and trumpet, and the life-altering trip he took in 2007 with his mom Pattie to Atlanta to meet his new manager Scooter Braun, who picked them up in a purple Mercedes, and what it was like to achieve warp-speed fame and go on an awkward first date and the out-of-control thing that has become Bieber Fever.
There are few revelations in the book, but there are 240 pages, most of them reserved for the 130-plus “exclusive never-before-seen” photographs. Justin with Usher. Justin backstage. Justin playing pool. Justin with Grandpa. Justin on stage. Justin riding a Segway. Justin with Taylor Swift. Justin playing drums. Justin asleep on a jet. Justin, um, shirtless.
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